Today has been hard

Postponing today's Reiki Recharge™ 🐦‍🔥 ... and here's why

My energy is low ... just really low.

It's Monday and it feels as if today is one of those terrible Fridays when I had been getting beat up at work all week, then my SVP communicates that we need to rip off the bandaid (meaning he wants to pull the rug out from under our employees and their families because he expects bold choices to be admired and he loves to be admired) and thinks that using a ripping off bandaid metaphor means that the results will hurt for a moment and then all will be well.

NO all will not be well and you'd know this if ...

• you cared more about people than you care about your compulsion to be admired

• you listened to my words when you ask "Tell me if I am wrong?" and I say YES YOU ARE WRONG and then you keep talking as if you did not hear a word that I said and then ask again "Tell me if I'm wrong?" as if this time I will say now you're right because I want to keep my job

• and then he wonders aloud if I assume that people do not trust him and it's better to have results than to be liked or trusted

• I confirm that people do not trust him because he makes these proclamations and when they don't work he blames the people

• and then he says that the people do not trust him because they're stupid and don't understand that he delivers results ... wait, what?

• are you saying the people do not understand that when you rip this particular bandaid at this particular time they will likely bleed out in front of their spouse, their children, and their pets?

• No, I didn't say that last part out load, but I was looking at my dog's concerned face while I said something else that he didn't care to hear so he interrupted with another "Tell me if I'm wrong?"

• Why does he ask that?

• I ended the call. He had called me on my day off and I was stupid and picked up.

• I cried into my dogs' fur because I could see what was coming. Earlier in the week, the leadership team had called me X's conscience, and he thought that was funny. I should have paid more attention to his laughter. X has no conscience and he only will accept agreement. And I disagree.

So ... that sums up the gross Friday feeling I had this morning ... it feels exactly like that memory from ages ago.

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Now it is evening and I can see the memory more clearly.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

This morning also felt like Dad being in a rage and my efforts to protect my siblings are being ignored so I try harder / try more things / sing a song he likes because my brother thinks that may help, but the song makes him angry because it's disrespectful to interrupt the rage and I'm 8 years old and I don't have words to express this pain so I sit on his lap when the rage passes because he asked me to and I know that he needs me to help redirect the violence.

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And somehow, after crying through all of these words, I feel gratitude that I am in a good place. I am where I am loved. I am safe.

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Today has been hard but I made it through the feelings and I’m okay.

See you tomorrow. Love all of you and thank you so much for reading. I feel seen.