No. (Tom Stoppard taught me this word.)

Tom Stoppard passed away last week.

The text message from my brother shook me a bit.

I felt shock. I heard myself say “No” out loud.

In my head, the word repeated over and over. No. No. No.

The repetition made no practical sense (the brilliant playwright was already gone), yet repeating No No No felt right to me. As if the moment to say No had passed and somehow I missed it. As if saying it now would somehow help.

There must have been a moment, at the beginning, where we could have said no. But somehow we missed it.

- Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead (1966)

Tom Stoppard’s play, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, gave me my favorite quote that, over time, also became my personal refrain when sussing out root cause and/or lessons learned: “There must have been a moment, at the beginning, where we could have said no. But somehow we missed it.”¹

During my consulting days, I’d jot down a few questions in my notebook and then listen for the answers during all manner of discussions about what went wrong. The questions below were always included in the mix:

• Where could we have said No (but somehow we missed it)?

• Did we say No at some point, but we could have said it sooner?

Sometimes the answers were easy to see. Other times, it took some digging. Always, the exercise was valuable.

---

Why is this coming up today?

• Because the refrain has been continuously playing in my head since I learned of Tom Stoppard’s death. Because I am grateful for his work.

• Because I am grateful for my brother who knows me / who sees me / who wanted me to hear it from him vs. the news.

• Because I am not the person I was when I studied this play in college and I am grateful for this moment of reflection and reminder that life is choices. Life is decisions.

• Because I’ve learned the peace that comes from No.

I am grateful.

1. Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead (1966)